The phone call

It’s been two weeks since Jesus and I stopped speaking. I miss him, I miss talking to him and miss spending time with him and I still feel bad, wondering if I did the right thing.

Last I heard Miguel and Dayanara moved in together, they were obviously happy so I probably just threw away a potential someone for a definite no one. But I Missed him, I missed him more now than even before Jesus. It was then I realized that this whole time what I’ve been trying to do is find a comparable love, someone who will help me forget Miguel ever even existed. Sometimes I even dream about him, I wonder about him and sometimes he even texts me to say hello. He’ll invite me out to dinner or to concerts or whatever but always with his girlfriend in tow. That isn’t weird at all right? Me on a date as a third wheel with my ex-boyfriend I am still in love with and his current girlfriend. I always turn the invites down, I’m not ready to see them together or see someone else make him smile the way I used to.

Then one day he calls from a number I don’t recognize so I unknowingly answer. (otherwise I would’ve sent it to voicemail) “what is wrong with you?” “Hello?” “Yea it’s me, what is wrong with you?” “Miguel?” “obviously yes, it’s me, why are you being so weird?’ “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “yes you do, I invite you out all the time, you never come. I call you, I text you and you don’t always call back or respond and when you do it’s so quick and kinda cold. What the fuck?” I don’t have the courage to tell him the truth. I bite my lip to keep from crying. My voice cracks and I answer “What do you want?” “What I want is to know why you have completely shut me out of your life! What I want is to know why you are different?” “Because I love you, I always have and I’m scared.”

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This entry was posted on July 26, 2016, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

To my surprise

After that night at Jesus’s house we continued to hang out, continued to have sex, continued to act like we were together even though we weren’t and I was o.k with that. I had decided that the sex was just too good to quit him for good. So somehow I just didn’t let myself get attached, I started acting like a man. Apparently that’s all I needed to do because one night out of the blue while I was at his house, in the midst of watching The Sopranos he just turned to me and said “let’s do this.” I remember thinking he was talking about sex and I was all for it! I started to take his shirt off and he started to laugh and said “No, me and you, let’s do this.” What? The one who just wanted to be friends a few months ago. Now I’m not sure that this is what I want. I mean I kinda got used to the idea of hooking up but not feeling the restrain of being with one person and being able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. Then again, this was my elementary school crush! This is the guy I used to see in the hallways when I was only in 2nd grade and would cause me to turn all red and hide. What am I thinking? This is what I’ve always wanted, right? So what’s the problem? I knew instantly. Miguel. Me being with Jesus meant that I wouldn’t be with Miguel. That if he came back while I was with Jesus I would have to tell him, I felt like I was closing the door on the possibility. A possibility that very well may never happen. But what if it did?

I needed time, I did the only thing I could think of. I initiated sex to distract him. When he finally fell asleep I lay in bed next to him awake, alone with my thoughts.

When we woke up early in the morning to go to work, I kissed him goodbye. I kissed him deeply because I knew it would be the last time. I left and never returned. When he called me the next day, I told him the truth. I told him I was still in love with someone else. It was hard. Not to tell him but to admit to myself that I was still in love with someone who I hadn’t even spoken to in months.

This entry was posted on July 26, 2016, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Love is ….

Love is hard
Relationships are hard.
You give your heart away
And hope the other will feel the same way.
Sometimes love isn’t clear
There’s desire but there’s also fear.
Fear to get too close
Fear of getting hurt
Fear of rejection
Fear of love only being a projection.

This entry was posted on November 10, 2014, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Just Friends

About 3 months of dating Jesus I was hooked! I was so relieved that finally I had met someone who could totally distract me from Miguel. Someone who I genuinely liked being with. The sex was amazing and the time we spent together was as well. He was charming, sweet and genuine. So genuine that after 3 months it was time to have the talk and he told me he thought I was moving too fast. This coming from the guy that asked to see me every Friday night and I wouldn’t leave his house till Sunday morning! This from the guy that opened up and talked to me about his failed relationships, including his ex fiancée who he broke up with because she cheated. He said he wasn’t ready to be back in another relationship. I was totally taken aback. It wasnt like I was a rebound, he broke up with his ex fiancée two years ago!!! And according to him he didn’t have any serious relationships since! So whats the problem? He said he wanted to just be friends. That same old story. Once again I was crushed. Crushed that I allowed myself to fall for someone so quick, regardless of having known him from the past, crushed that once again I was fooled. I thought that because we spent so much time together, stayed up late talking and had incredible sex we had a great bond. After two weeks of not talking, I finally had the nerve to text him to remind him I had left some jewelry behind. I know what you’re thinking but it was Tiffany’s!!! I couldn’t leave that behind! So I asked if we could meet up somewhere so I could pick it up, he said to come by because he wanted ro talk. I should’ve said no and kept to my idea of meeting at a public place but against my gut feeling, I agreed. When i got there he had opened my favorite bottle of wine and asked how I had been. Said he missed me. We talked for 5 hours over the bottle of wine!! Of course, sex came next. I dont know if it was because we hadn’t had sex in a few weeks or if it was the bottle of wine but the sex was extra good. Good enough to remind us what we had been missing and once again we hung out all the time. As if he had never told me that he wanted to be just friends. I know, i know. I set myself up. Totally my fault but the truth is women like sex just as much as men do and when its good sex, who can stay away?!? I know im gonna regret this later.

This entry was posted on November 10, 2014, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

A year Later..

A year later and it has become a reality. We’re done. Miguel and I are no longer. He’s dating someone new, Dayanara and they’ve been together for about 9 months now and I hate to admit it but he looks happy. I haven’t been able to see him. I’m not ready. Just in pictures on facebook. Damm social media! I remember when I made him smile the same way she does now. It feels like yesterday. What’s worse is I don’t hate her. I can’t speak bad about her. Not only because I don’t know her but because I look at her and I feel like if we met I would probably like her! How’s that for irony! 

I also started dating, a wise person once told me the only way to get over someone is to get under someone new. So I made it my personal mission to try out this intriguing theory. First, there was Hector. That lasted for about 3 months, I thought he was adorable but apparently I wasn’t the only one because he was also dating someone else who thought he was adorable so I threw that dirty rat to the curb with the rest of the trash. NEXT! Now that I think about it, I don’t even know why we lasted 3 months. He could barely last 3 minutes in bed! What was I thinking? 

Next there was Jesus! No, not Jesus. For all of my non-Spanish readers, its GESUS but spelled Jesus. How awkward is it to scream out Jesus, Jesus, over and over again during sex?!?! His next door neighbor probably thinks his girlfriend is super religious! What’s funny about him (besides the name) is that I first met him when I was in first grade and he was in 5th grade. I had a crush on him since then. I guess I always liked older men! As soon as I saw his smile at the bar that night, I remembered who he was. It was so weird to see him again after so many years, and even weirder? His cousin is my friend! So when I ran into her at the bar and she asked me to take a shot with her and her cousin and introduced him to me, it was hard to keep a straight face. A few shots later, his cousin was busy tearing up the dance floor and he and I were in our own little word catching up after all those years. By the time the lights in the bar came on, which was our clue to go we exchanged phone numbers and my elementary school crush kissed me. Those same butterflies that I used to get when I saw him roaming the hallways at school were back. Just as I was leaving Miguel text me asking where I was. I probably shouldn’t have text back but I was on such a happy cloud, I did. Miguel and his cousin ended up coming over. It was innocent. We watched movies, kept drinking and when he came to my room to go to sleep, we actually got in bed and for the first time in a long time, went to sleep. I woke up from my coma state of mind from the sound of my evil phone letting me know I had received a text message. It was him! It was Jesus, making sure I had gotten home ok and asking if I had plans for later that day. He wanted to see me. The rest of the day I stayed in bed with Miguel watching movies and keeping our hands to ourselves and texting Jesus the whole time. So when Miguel asked me that night why I looked so good to take him home, I told him the truth. I had a date. It felt so good telling him that. When I dropped him off he kissed me very lightly. Just a peck. He told me to have fun and be safe but to not give up the goodies. I took off to meet my elementary school crush. 

At dinner, we laughed and reminisced about our childhood days and talked about the teacher that would fall asleep reading to us and the games of killer kisser in the backyard. It was so much fun, so easy. After dinner when we went back to his house and he opened a bottle of wine, I knew I liked him. So I didn’t sleep with him. Not that night. We kissed and got really touchy feely but we passed out on his couch. Me in his arms and his head between my chest and my face so I could feel him breathing on me ever so lightly and it was incredibly nice. When I went home that morning, I probably looked a mess. Heels in hand, hair up in a ponytail but feeling like I was the most beautiful girl. I was giddy. He made me feel good. 

 

This entry was posted on April 6, 2014, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Ok so friends are always asking me for dating advice. I’m humbled. Up until now though i’m not sure why because i definitely didnt have it together. Now though I feel like I finally, finally understand what this dating thing is all about! Through the heartbreak of my last two relationships and the all the dating i’ve done I’ve learned a thing or two. I like to call it trial and error. Ladies remember these rules, memorize them, share them with your girlfriends. I know some may be more difficult than others to keep but I’m telling you they work. Read on and let me know your thoughts! Happy Reading!!

1) Always remember guys are simple. Very simple. Dont overanalyze. We do that way too often. If he says he’s too tired to go out tonight. Guess what he’s probably too tired to go out. Don’t start assuming he’s banging someone else. Unless of course you hve other signs of this but thats another lesson!

2) When a guy likes you he makes it known. When a guy likes you he will hunt you like a lion after his prey. He will want to capture you! With that said if he hasnt asked you out on a date but theres obvious mutual attraction-somethings up. Move on!!

3) Never ever ever allow yourself to be a booty call-unless you want to be. And if you want to be stick to that. You dont grow feelings for a booty call. You dont date a booty call. (According to him hes single and no he’s not dating anyone.

4) when you are dating someone dont put all your eggs in one basket. Just cuz you have gone on a few dates doesnt mean your going to get married and live happily ever after. Date! Flirt w other guys! Talk to other guys.

5) When your dating dont expect anything. He doesnt owe you anything. Meaning dont get mad or sad or emotional if he doesnt text or call you every day. Hes not your boyfriend he doesnt need to check in .

6) Just like he doesnt need to ck in neither do you. Do not call or text him everyday. Guys like girls who are busy who dont depend on them. Dont make yourself available everytime he asks you out.

7) When it comes to sex theres no set rule when is too fast when is too slow. We are 30+ now. So sleeping around its no longer ok. Emotions before sex. Not Sex before emotions. And if you are still in your 20s, consider yourselves lucky! You’re ahead of the game! Yes it is hard to not have sex when theres a strong attraction but how many times have you slept w a guy and then wondered -omg did i just fuck this up between us? Is he gonna call me now? Did he just want me for that? Why isn’t he calling? Blah blah blah….been there done that! When you wait to have sex until theres a mutual emotional connection between both you dont have to deal w all those insecurities. Sex complicates things. But when you wait it compliments things. Remember that! Yea its hard to wait but thats why God invented the vibrator!

8) Do not have “the talk” with the guy until at least 2-3 months of dating. Minimum! Unless he brings it up! If he brings it up then by all means. But if not follow above bc guys scare easily. Proceed with caution.

9) Don’t be scared to tell a guy how you feel. If you’ve been dating a few months (2-3 months) and you like him and want to be his gf tell him but follow above-proceed w caution. 2-3 months is still kind of early so your in a safe zone but you can tell him you like him and want to explore the possibility of it going the nxt step. Lay it on easy so you dont scare him off. Say it just like that and then add that ur not expecting exclusivity now but at 5, 6 months yes you would like that. Thats half a year! If he still doesnt want to make u his gf after 5-6 months He prob never will. Remember guys are simple. If they like you they will want to make you their gf bc they wont want to lose you, worse yet have another man come and make you their gf. Guys are simple. But also competitive.

10) Communication is key. If something is bothering you-stop take a minute. Actually an hr or two. Dont text or call rt away bc you will more than likely say something you will regret. When ur calm and cool talk to him. You must be able to express yourselves w him. If you are comfortable enough to get naked have sex n sleep with him you Have to be able to feel comfortable to talk to him!!!! And if you say something that pushes or scares him away ur better off! A guy that really likes you will NOT go away bc you have expressed your emotions. If he really likes you, he will probably thank you!

This entry was posted on January 18, 2014, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!! I know i’m late and i suck at keeping up with the blog but what a year I had! Full of love, heartbreak, new opportunities. But its a new year and i have new goals and this blog will hopefully reach one of them so I’m back baby! And better than ever!! 

This entry was posted on January 18, 2014, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment