Better off not knowing!

Last night was date night and I actually had not seen Miguel in two weeks because he had been putting in so much overtime at work. It felt more like 2 months and I was beginning to wonder if something was wrong. Yes I know I tend to be a bit dramatic!

We spoke thursday night and he had told me that he planned to go out with friends on Saturday and he knew I had a wedding to go to on Friday so that meant another weekend without seeing him. Call it a woman’s instinct but somethings wrong here.

Saturday morning I am woken up my the sound of my cell phone. It’s Miguel calling to see how the wedding went and to tell me he decided to cancel plans with his friends because he missed me and wanted to spend Saturday night with me. I was overjoyed! That is until I saw him.

We went to dinner at our favorite place and things were going well as normal until he suddenly, out of no where says “I am bad.” Why? I ask He replies like only a man can. He says that he’s bad because he has a girl who many would consider to be the perfect catch-funny, intelligent, pretty, independent and fun to be with. It takes me a minute to realize he’s talking about me. He proceeds to say that although I’m perfect in more ways than one…..he cannot commit. He wants to remain single.

Someone please pass me a shot! Pronto! He stares at me awaiting my response. What the hell do I say to that? Ok? Even though it’s really not ok? Will he be like this for long? I’m stuck for words and he notices so he orders us some shots. I can tell he wants us to talk but for the first time in my life I am speechless. I tell him he better make it a double shot.

Because I haven’t been able to see him in a while I decide I don’t want to ruin the night by having this conversation and quickly change the subject to a less controversial topic. After dinner, on the way to the car he confesses to me that his ex-girlfriend, the one that broke his heart is coming to town. I’m not sure if she’s specifically coming to see him or if its to visit NY but he plans to see her the following Saturday. How convenient! By that time I will be on vacation in Brazil. He tells me that over the phone she has told him that she would like to try & restore their relationship. When I ask him what he wants he replies closure. He wants to express how much she hurt him. I am not convinced. They went out for 5 years and have only been broken up for 6 months. Then again she cheated on him, with a friend of his no less. I keep repeating this to myself.

We go back to my house and open a bottle of wine. We proceed to make love. I say we make love because he kisses me ever so tenderly and gently and he holds me close. He stares at me intently and I do the same. I wonder what he’s thinking? I am thinking “Dear God, I love this man and I’m scared. I don’t want to love him but it’s too late.”

Afterwards we lay facing each other and again he chooses to ruin the moment by talking about me and him. Lord, why doesn’t he know when to quit! Again he says any man would be lucky to have me but he who “has me” cannot commit to me-Odd isn’t it? He asks me if he’s stupid-I decide not to answer. In fear of letting him see me cry i turn my back on him. He kisses my shoulder and I ask him “what do you want us to do?” He says “to enjoy the moment” because I leave in less than a week and we wont see each other for a while.

I agree, so I turn back around to face him again and ask him to please not talk about him and I again that night. I know how he feels and now it’s up to me to decide if I can deal with it. Do I stay and hope time will change his mind? Or do I go and hope that in time I will get over him?

We go for a second round but only this time, as we make love tears roll down my face. He doesn’t notice because it’s so dark. I cry because I love him but I know what I should do and now my time with Miguel feels very limited. It feels like the beginning of the end.


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