Learning to Let go

A week since that call-a week since I had told him not to look for me that I would look for him if & when the time was right….he sent me a text. Be still my heart! He asked how I was doing, kept it simple at first & then he said he wanted to get together and talk.

After our last conversation I cried for days and wondered Why her? Why not me? What does she have or what does she give him that I don’t have or can’t offer? So I agreed to meet him that night, if nothing more than to have those questions answered. I was in pure agony. I missed him but not like any other man I had ever been hurt by. Miguel was different I literally yearned for him. A piece of me felt dead. I couldn’t eat, sleep and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. The only good that had come of all of this were my legs due to the 5 am jogs I had grown accustomed to going on since I had developed insomnia.

On the way over to his house later that evening I almost turned the car around-several times. I was so nervous, I was nauseous. I was scared to see him. How would I feel? What would it be like? How would our conversation go? Would it be awkward? God, please don’t let me cry in front of him!

As soon as I got there he was outside waiting for me on the stoop of his apt looking as beautiful as I remembered him to look. As soon as he got into the car-he gave me a little smile &  all my nerves and reservations went away. He kissed me on the cheek & said he thought drinks were definitely in order. The car ride to the restaurant was actually not awkward at all. We laughed and caught up with one another like old friends. I decided to wait until I had a drink to bring up the real reason for our dinner date.

At the restaurant I asked him the question-Why her? Why not me? His response was basically that it was our way of life-the partying, the drinking, the smoking the late nights that made him choose her and not me. He said it just got to be too much and he didn’t see the point of dating someone he couldn’t see himself with “forever.” I froze. Part of me wanted to order a shot but it just seemed inappropriate considering he was basically calling me a party animal. In a way I understood, I mean it’s not the first time I have been called a party animal & I once dated a guy who had told me we weren’t going to work over the same exact reason. I am noticing a pattern. The only problem that I had was not that I didn’t want to accept what Miguel was saying but that he made it seem like it was all me when in fact I sometimes had trouble keeping up with him. He likes to party just as much and just as hard! Is this an excuse? Or is he being for real? It didn’t matter. I just wanted to know if I had a chance to prove to him that I would change. I didn’t do it for the first guy that said this to me because quite honestly I loved partying more than I liked him. But Miguel is different-this is the man I love. This is the man I have cried everyday for over a month for. As if he was reading my mind, he interrupted my thoughts and said “Nicole I made a mistake-it’s true that I don’t like your partying ways but I never gave you a chance or a shot to decide if you were willing to change, I enabled it. I made a mistake. I didn’t choose the right girl. I want you. I always wanted you.” I will never forget those words for as long as I live. After a 3 hour conversation and having closed the restaurant we went back to my house and made love. We were officially together. He told me he had already broken things off with the other girl a week before, even though he wasn’t sure if I would take him back because he figured if I hadn’t taken him back he would rather be alone than be with someone else.  It was a magical evening to say the least. Everything seemed perfect.

That is until 3 days passed without him calling me and I totally freaked out. Aren’t you supposed to speak to your boyfriend everyday? I called and left voice mails, sent texts but nothing! I started assuming he went back to her, he must have changed his mind, I literally felt like I was going insane and I was having constant anxiety attacks. It was awful! So when he finally did call I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. He told me he had been busy working and hanging out with friends but to me that wasn’t good enough. It didn’t feel right and my woman intuition told me something funny was going on. I told him I felt like I was second choice and the feeling wasn’t going away no matter how I tried to reassure myself that I wasn’t. I didn’t trust him and worse of all I hated what I was on the verge of becoming. That insane girlfriend who is so consumed with her boyfriend’s life she forgets she has one of her own. I couldn’t even remember when was the last time I went out with my friends. My life revolved around Miguel. So I ended it. He was in complete shock, and I think a bit angry. He said he felt like he had laid it all on the line for me to only shut him down and he felt like I was doing this out of revenge. Of course I really didn’t do it for that reason. Half of me felt confident in my choice but the other half felt sick to my stomach wondering if I had just made a huge mistake. Did I just throw away a future with the man I love? Am I insane? What the hell is wrong with me? Time for a jog to clear my thoughts!

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This entry was posted on August 2, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments

2 thoughts on “Learning to Let go

  1. I just think that you make the right decision!! He doesnt know what he really want, and I am afraid to said he is using you like this choice of having fun in case he needs one!

    Maybe he is beautiful!! and you two are good in bed but, Its really this going to be enough???? Its what you want??? and what you need???

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