Months had passed and Miguel and I continued to hang out as friends, just friends. At times it was hard-I mean of course it was! I was hanging out w my ex, who I still had feelings for but not hanging out with him was harder so I knew I was going to have to learn to accept us for what we were-just friends.
I hadn’t seen Miguel in about two weeks, so I sent him a quick text to say “hey” and see if he had plans for the weekend. He invited me to go dancing with him and some friends but I still hungover from the night before of club hopping decided to stay home, after all there was no way I was gonna win this man back looking like death! To my surprise the next day he text me saying he wished I had gone out the night before and since I hadn’t we had to hang out tonight, no excuses. Sounds good to me! However, mother nature was not on my side a storm was supposed to hit that night and we didnt want to get stuck buried under mounds of snow in the city so he invited me to dinner at his house. My heart started racing. Normally my heart would race over the excitement of knowing I was going to see him, now it was racing because I was going to see him and be alone with him at his place-just as friends! After having a drink of wine to calm myself down I reminded myself it had been months since him and I had been “together” and not to expect anything. You’re just friends, best friends.
I dont even know if he cooked dinner because we had not been there 30 min before he pounced me like a tiger and I cant say I minded. This was the first time he and I had been together in months! We had a lot of lost time to make up for and that we did-all night long. It was amazing!!! I had almost forgotten how amazing he was and that night he made sure to remind me. Obviously the sex was amazing but besides that what was even more amazing was what he said to me. We had been having a good time, laughing and joking around with one another in between our makeout sessions and then allof a sudden out of nowhere laying face to face to one another he jokes with me saying he knows he’s loved but the way he said it,it was as if he was waiting for me to say “i love you” and I couldn’t. I know i do. I love this man, but I couldn’t say it. i couldn’t day it because I was scared. I was scared of how he would react. After a few minutes of awkwad silence he says to me “You know what babe? You’re really good to me and I am lucky to have you.” I just gave him a kiss and said “thank you.” Up until that night I had felt really confident that he and I were meant to be and we would get back together. Now after our time together and even though he asked me to dinner the following weekend, I’m just not sure. One half of me says yes and the other half says “If you’re so meant to be why aren’t you and why do you guys go back and forth so much?”
This is ridiculous, I should be delighted! Isn’t this what I wanted? I mean we weren’t “back together” again but it definitely felt like thats where we were heading so whats wrong with me? Why am I not on cloud nine? It’s so frustrating! I wonder if lesbians have this much heartache!!