Change isn’t always good

Five months went by, yes five months and nothing new had happened between us in between. No changes…between us. Little did I know there was a change but it wasn’t the change I had hoped for. Come to find out, he had not only been seeing/sleeping with me but he was also seeing someone else. I admit it was partially my fault because I didn’t put my foot down and say enough is enough either we’re together or we’re not but I didn’t do that because he had given me hope..and I was too in love with this man to lose him entirely. Pathetic I know. However, one random night sitting at his house enjoying a nice bottle of wine, playing cards and listening to music he stated the conversation, the “us conversation” and he asked me if I was seeing other people, I was honest and told him I was seeing other men but not seriously and that the only reason I even was seeing other men is because I didn’t know where he and I stood. His response? I understand. Not a “I dont want you to see other men, you’re mine. No jealous rage infused. He said he understood and said I should see other men if what I wanted was to get married and settle down and have kids anytime soon, because he wasn’t ready. I replied, what makes you think that’s what I want? You never asked me if that’s what I wanted. What I want is to be with you. Only you. He kissed me and that was the end of that. He kissed me and said “I love being with you Nicole, you complete me” Whats a girl to think after that? How or when was I to know that all along he was also seeing someone else? So when I found out because he told me I ended it. That was 5 months ago. For some reason even though I had gone through this with him before my world literally crashed. My everything hurt. I am now in the best shape of my life because food is no longer appealing. Liquid diets are the best! If vodka drinking at 11 am is too early I wouldn’t know. I haven’t had to go this long without him. Is this what an addict feels like? I feel like I am an addict of his and I am going through with drawl. It’s summertime, my bday is only a week away and rather than enjoying the sun I can only think of him and as if he knew, he texts me. Five months we’ve had no communication with one another and he texts me! He says he hasn’t forgotten my bday is approaching and before I can even stop myself I not only text him back I text him back with all my bday plans and invite him. How sick am I? I should be studied because I am insane! Just like that I invite him back into my world. Now I gotta not only figure out what to wear bc its my bday party I have to look like a model bc he will be there. Omg what if he shows up with a date? or worse yet the girl he’s dating? or was dating? I don’t even know where that stands because I never bother to ask! Something tells me its going to be a party to remember.

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