It’s been two weeks since Jesus and I stopped speaking. I miss him, I miss talking to him and miss spending time with him and I still feel bad, wondering if I did the right thing.
Last I heard Miguel and Dayanara moved in together, they were obviously happy so I probably just threw away a potential someone for a definite no one. But I Missed him, I missed him more now than even before Jesus. It was then I realized that this whole time what I’ve been trying to do is find a comparable love, someone who will help me forget Miguel ever even existed. Sometimes I even dream about him, I wonder about him and sometimes he even texts me to say hello. He’ll invite me out to dinner or to concerts or whatever but always with his girlfriend in tow. That isn’t weird at all right? Me on a date as a third wheel with my ex-boyfriend I am still in love with and his current girlfriend. I always turn the invites down, I’m not ready to see them together or see someone else make him smile the way I used to.
Then one day he calls from a number I don’t recognize so I unknowingly answer. (otherwise I would’ve sent it to voicemail) “what is wrong with you?” “Hello?” “Yea it’s me, what is wrong with you?” “Miguel?” “obviously yes, it’s me, why are you being so weird?’ “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “yes you do, I invite you out all the time, you never come. I call you, I text you and you don’t always call back or respond and when you do it’s so quick and kinda cold. What the fuck?” I don’t have the courage to tell him the truth. I bite my lip to keep from crying. My voice cracks and I answer “What do you want?” “What I want is to know why you have completely shut me out of your life! What I want is to know why you are different?” “Because I love you, I always have and I’m scared.”
After that night at Jesus’s house we continued to hang out, continued to have sex, continued to act like we were together even though we weren’t and I was o.k with that. I had decided that the sex was just too good to quit him for good. So somehow I just didn’t let myself get attached, I started acting like a man. Apparently that’s all I needed to do because one night out of the blue while I was at his house, in the midst of watching The Sopranos he just turned to me and said “let’s do this.” I remember thinking he was talking about sex and I was all for it! I started to take his shirt off and he started to laugh and said “No, me and you, let’s do this.” What? The one who just wanted to be friends a few months ago. Now I’m not sure that this is what I want. I mean I kinda got used to the idea of hooking up but not feeling the restrain of being with one person and being able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. Then again, this was my elementary school crush! This is the guy I used to see in the hallways when I was only in 2nd grade and would cause me to turn all red and hide. What am I thinking? This is what I’ve always wanted, right? So what’s the problem? I knew instantly. Miguel. Me being with Jesus meant that I wouldn’t be with Miguel. That if he came back while I was with Jesus I would have to tell him, I felt like I was closing the door on the possibility. A possibility that very well may never happen. But what if it did?
I needed time, I did the only thing I could think of. I initiated sex to distract him. When he finally fell asleep I lay in bed next to him awake, alone with my thoughts.
When we woke up early in the morning to go to work, I kissed him goodbye. I kissed him deeply because I knew it would be the last time. I left and never returned. When he called me the next day, I told him the truth. I told him I was still in love with someone else. It was hard. Not to tell him but to admit to myself that I was still in love with someone who I hadn’t even spoken to in months.