To my surprise

After that night at Jesus’s house we continued to hang out, continued to have sex, continued to act like we were together even though we weren’t and I was o.k with that. I had decided that the sex was just too good to quit him for good. So somehow I just didn’t let myself get attached, I started acting like a man. Apparently that’s all I needed to do because one night out of the blue while I was at his house, in the midst of watching The Sopranos he just turned to me and said “let’s do this.” I remember thinking he was talking about sex and I was all for it! I started to take his shirt off and he started to laugh and said “No, me and you, let’s do this.” What? The one who just wanted to be friends a few months ago. Now I’m not sure that this is what I want. I mean I kinda got used to the idea of hooking up but not feeling the restrain of being with one person and being able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. Then again, this was my elementary school crush! This is the guy I used to see in the hallways when I was only in 2nd grade and would cause me to turn all red and hide. What am I thinking? This is what I’ve always wanted, right? So what’s the problem? I knew instantly. Miguel. Me being with Jesus meant that I wouldn’t be with Miguel. That if he came back while I was with Jesus I would have to tell him, I felt like I was closing the door on the possibility. A possibility that very well may never happen. But what if it did?

I needed time, I did the only thing I could think of. I initiated sex to distract him. When he finally fell asleep I lay in bed next to him awake, alone with my thoughts.

When we woke up early in the morning to go to work, I kissed him goodbye. I kissed him deeply because I knew it would be the last time. I left and never returned. When he called me the next day, I told him the truth. I told him I was still in love with someone else. It was hard. Not to tell him but to admit to myself that I was still in love with someone who I hadn’t even spoken to in months.

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