So much for that!

So much can change in such a short span of time. Just 2 weeks ago I was day dreaming on the beach about that night Miguel and I spent together. In the 2 weeks after, we never had sex again. But there were a couple of times that we came close and when we have been together he has always been flirty, sweet and cute. He was like the Miguel I had fallen in love with. Just a week after coming home from The Hamptons it was Labor Day and Miguel and I were over yet again! It was a mess and it seemed so final this time. Now I know I have said this before but this time it really did feel final because this time it got mean. In the short year I have known him and had this telenovela kind of love with him he has never cursed, yelled or got loud with me. We definitely had our problems but it was never mean, just sad. Now it was both.
He basically called me a jealous liar and a drunk. He claimed that at the labor day bbq we were at, I got ridiculosly drunk and acted “like a different person.” That being friends with me was so difficult because he knew I was still in love with him.

Truth be told that I am in love with him but the way he said it was cruel. it made me so angry. I immediately got defensive. Later I found out that he called me a liar because my sister (also a drunken mess) decided to ask him what was going on between us and he told her we were just friends and she responded that friends dont sleep together. That set it off. He was mad that I had told her. He told a totally different version of what happened that night. He made it sound like I seduced him, I initiated everything and he didnt even want to sleep with me because he respected our friendship so much. Feel free to yell out loud at the crock of b.s!

He’s the one who told me to take my clothes off and get comfortable. He’s the one who told me that it was near impossible to lay next to me in bed and not devour me. Yes he used the word devour. He was totally flirting!  I gave in. Personally, I didnt even understand why it even mattered who initiated it. We both wanted it and we both knew how amazing it was afterwards. Why was he saying this to me? I let my temper get the best of me because I totally yelled at him. I told him I didnt love him, I wasnt in love with him but that he would never accept that because he was so arrogant and vain and that made him unattractive. I reminded him of how he broke up with me and the pain he caused me. That made him angrier for some reason. I told him he couldn’t remember everything correctly because he was a pot head & its completely distorted his memory. The grand finale was when I told him that deep inside his real problem is that he’s just too damm scared to let what we have happen. He needs to push me away whenever we are good because it’s too good and commitment is scary to him the way walking through Central park at 2 am is scary to me! That was enough for him to hear. He said he didn’t think we could be friends anymore I replied that was totally fine with me becuase I was just about to say the same. If we had ended like that, it would have been too easy. He had to get the last word in and it did exactly what he intended to do. It killed me. He said “the worse part about this all is that I love you, no actually I adore you but everything has to be your way.” I hung up on him. Nothing left to say after that. I immediately sent him a text telling him to erase my number and forget I existed. He replied. Said I was being silly that he could never act as I had not existed because he loved me whether I believed him or not. It was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had to have but I knew it was long overdue. I had to discover a life without him. Completely without him. It was done and there was no going back.

This entry was posted on January 9, 2013, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Beach getaway

Laying here on the beach in The Hamptons on a well deserved mini getaway. The ladies and I packed up the car and headed on our excursion. Perfect timing!
I needed some time to reflect and a serene beach summer getaway was the perfect back drop. Work has been insane! A blessing in disguise because I might have gone a little crazy without the distraction.
For about a month Miguel and I have continued being just friends, good friends. The kind of friends that don’t talk everyday but we do talk a couple of times a week. Friends who were now practically neighbors! He moved into a new place which happened to be a less than 10 min car ride away. I went over one night to see his new place after going to happy hour with the girls. No expectations. Going to his house was no big deal actually. Or was it? My sister thought it was and convinced me to shave my legs! Thank God she did because we once again ended up sleeping together! The first time in almost 7 months. Of course it was amazing!! It always was. That was never our problem.
But even more amazing was the way that even though we had spent so much time apart from one another…It still felt right. It still felt amazing. It still gave me butterflies in my stomach and made me feel like the happiest I have ever been, if even for just a moment. It wasnt just because we had sex. That was of course great, but even better than that was how we just listened to music and laid in bed talking and holding each for hours afterwards. It didn’t feel weird at all. It actually felt right.

This entry was posted on January 9, 2013, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

It’s my party & I’ll cry if I want

It’s here. My bday party. I’m more excited and nervous about seeing HIM then my actual bday. After spending all day long getting ready, as if I was going to the Oscars or something, I’m finally ready! Or am I? What if he doesn’t show? OMG, I hadn’t even thought about it until now. My stomach hurts and I havent even started drinking…well not that much. Hey I’m nervous!

Once at the club, mingling with all my friends taking shot after shot I actually start having an amazing time and all my nerves go away. Where would we be without alcohol?!? But then it happens! He walks in, Be still my heart! He actually came! and he came alone-with a guy friend but in other words dateless, so alone. He comes up to me, gives me a big hug and whispers in my ear “you look as beautiful as always.” I can smell his cologne. The night went on and I decided I was having such a great night I wasn’t going to ruin it because he was there. I continued dancing the night away and he and I took a shot together, we danced, we interacted-just like I did with everyone else there. It was terrific.

The morning after wasn’t difficult. No regrets, no crying fits, I had a fabulous night and seeing him did not make me feel sad and depressed the morning after either. Was this a sign? Had i finally given up the hope of he and I and moved on? Or am I still drunk? Well I have no time to figure it all out now because I have to get ready for bday party #2. I’m unsure of what this means but I do know I have missed him, not just the intimacy or the sex (that’s obvious) but more so his friendship.

This entry was posted on March 23, 2012, in Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Change isn’t always good

Five months went by, yes five months and nothing new had happened between us in between. No changes…between us. Little did I know there was a change but it wasn’t the change I had hoped for. Come to find out, he had not only been seeing/sleeping with me but he was also seeing someone else. I admit it was partially my fault because I didn’t put my foot down and say enough is enough either we’re together or we’re not but I didn’t do that because he had given me hope..and I was too in love with this man to lose him entirely. Pathetic I know. However, one random night sitting at his house enjoying a nice bottle of wine, playing cards and listening to music he stated the conversation, the “us conversation” and he asked me if I was seeing other people, I was honest and told him I was seeing other men but not seriously and that the only reason I even was seeing other men is because I didn’t know where he and I stood. His response? I understand. Not a “I dont want you to see other men, you’re mine. No jealous rage infused. He said he understood and said I should see other men if what I wanted was to get married and settle down and have kids anytime soon, because he wasn’t ready. I replied, what makes you think that’s what I want? You never asked me if that’s what I wanted. What I want is to be with you. Only you. He kissed me and that was the end of that. He kissed me and said “I love being with you Nicole, you complete me” Whats a girl to think after that? How or when was I to know that all along he was also seeing someone else? So when I found out because he told me I ended it. That was 5 months ago. For some reason even though I had gone through this with him before my world literally crashed. My everything hurt. I am now in the best shape of my life because food is no longer appealing. Liquid diets are the best! If vodka drinking at 11 am is too early I wouldn’t know. I haven’t had to go this long without him. Is this what an addict feels like? I feel like I am an addict of his and I am going through with drawl. It’s summertime, my bday is only a week away and rather than enjoying the sun I can only think of him and as if he knew, he texts me. Five months we’ve had no communication with one another and he texts me! He says he hasn’t forgotten my bday is approaching and before I can even stop myself I not only text him back I text him back with all my bday plans and invite him. How sick am I? I should be studied because I am insane! Just like that I invite him back into my world. Now I gotta not only figure out what to wear bc its my bday party I have to look like a model bc he will be there. Omg what if he shows up with a date? or worse yet the girl he’s dating? or was dating? I don’t even know where that stands because I never bother to ask! Something tells me its going to be a party to remember.

This entry was posted on March 23, 2012, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Best Friends

Months had passed and Miguel and I continued to hang out as friends, just friends. At times it was hard-I mean of course it was! I was hanging out w my ex, who I still had feelings for but not hanging out with him was harder so I knew I was going to have to learn to accept us for what we were-just friends.

I hadn’t seen Miguel in about two weeks, so I sent him a quick text to say “hey” and see if he had plans for the weekend. He invited me to go dancing with him and some friends but I still hungover from the night before of club hopping decided to stay home, after all there was no way I was gonna win this man back looking like death! To my surprise the next day he text me saying he wished I had gone out the night before and since I hadn’t we had to hang out tonight, no excuses. Sounds good to me! However, mother nature was not on my side a storm was supposed to hit that night and we didnt want to get stuck buried under mounds of snow in the city so he invited me to dinner at his house. My heart started racing. Normally my heart would race over the excitement of knowing I was going to see him, now it was racing because I was going to see him and be alone with him at his place-just as friends! After having a drink of wine to calm myself down I reminded myself it had been months since him and I had been “together” and not to expect anything. You’re just friends, best friends.

I dont even know if he cooked dinner because we had not been there 30 min before he pounced me like a tiger and I cant say I minded. This was the first time he and I had been together in months! We had a lot of lost time to make up for and that we did-all night long. It was amazing!!! I had almost forgotten how amazing he was and that night he made sure to remind me. Obviously the sex was amazing but besides that what was even more amazing was what he said to me. We had been having a good time, laughing and joking around with one another in between our makeout sessions and then allof a sudden out of nowhere laying face to face to one another he jokes with me saying he knows he’s loved but the way he said it,it was as if he was waiting for me to say “i love you” and I couldn’t. I know i do. I love this man, but I couldn’t say it. i couldn’t day it because I was scared. I was scared of how he would react. After a few minutes of awkwad silence he says to me “You know what babe? You’re really good to me and I am lucky to have you.” I just gave him a kiss and said “thank you.” Up until that night I had felt really confident that he and I were meant to be and we would get back together. Now after our time together and even though he asked me to dinner the following weekend, I’m just not sure. One half of me says yes and the other half says “If you’re so meant to be why aren’t you and why do you guys go back and forth so much?”

This is ridiculous, I should be delighted! Isn’t this what I wanted? I mean we weren’t “back together” again but it definitely felt like thats where we were heading so whats wrong with me? Why am I not on cloud nine? It’s so frustrating! I wonder if lesbians have this much heartache!!

This entry was posted on November 30, 2011, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

No such thing as “Forever”

5 ridiculously, glorious months had passed. I was so in love I thought “this is it, I have found my other half.”  We were in love, we were so happy. Every moment we spent together was complete bliss…until I decided to fuck it up.  I got ahead of myself and started talking about us having a life together beyond what we had and I freaked him out. I knew he got nervous but what I didn’t know was how nervous. A couple of days later, he called and said we needed to talk. When a man starts off a conversation saying “we need to talk” grab a bottle! You’re going to need it. As expected it wasn’t good. He told me that he got scared, that he didn’t think he could give me what I needed or what I wanted. This coming from a 33-year-old man. He said he didn’t know that quite honestly he ever thought he would get married or have kids, he wasn’t sure that was the road meant for him. So there it was. All the happiness that I thought I had felt suddenly felt like nothing but an illusion. He knew what he didn’t want and I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be with him and get married and have kids-down the line, but he couldn’t think that far ahead. So we broke up instead.

Fast forward to three months from the time we broke up and I was still miserable, even more so when I heard he was dating someone new. At one point I literally felt like I couldn’t breathe, it was ridiculous! But it was love. I hadn’t even “been with him” for that long but my heart seriously ached. Thinking about him I literally ached. I kept telling myself that I had been here before, I had gone through breakups before so I would get through this one too except I had a hard time believing myself. I mean nothing made me happy, not my friends, not shopping, not working out, not the vodka bottle, not my family. Nothing! Because I am a masochist I would constantly look through old pics, read old love notes he would write me and think about our happy times. At times, I even tried to convince myself that it wasn’t really true, he never existed therefore neither did my heart ache. I tried telling myself that it wasn’t as perfect as I had thought but no matter what explanation I tried to feed myself the outcome was always the same. I wasn’t with him and every day that passed without him I died a little more.

As if I couldn’t possibly feel more embarrassed, hurt, betrayed and burnt my birthday was approaching and I thought about how I had pictured my bday to be-with him and it wasn’t going to be that anymore. Or would it? Call me a drama queen but i decided to chance it. I called him and I invited him to my birthday party. I told myself it was the best time to see him because it was my birthday so I was going to look fabulous and it wouldn’t look like I did it for him-even though I kept that in mind as I maxed out my credit card buying the “to die for” dress. When he said he would go my excitement quickly turned to nerves. What if he didn’t show? Worse yet what if he did show but with a date? I would be mortified!

The night of my bday he not only showed, he showed alone and early. The moment he saw me we smiled at each other n locked eyes. he slowly walked over to greet me and whispered to me how beautiful I looked, he made me promise to save him a dance and we went and mingled withe everyone else. My birthday party was a feast to remember, I had an amazing time but the whole time I thought of him and couldn’t help but look over at him throughout the night.

The morning after, I felt good. I was happy I had invited him, that he had come and that I hadn’t become an emotional sloppy drunk and begged for him to come back. I composed myself the whole night and acted like he was just another friend there to celebrate, all while secretly wanting to seduce him :} Hey it was my bday after all!

The next day my family threw me a 2nd birthday party and we had a bbq party-he couldn’t make it because he had to work but he texted me and continued to text me throughout the party. After he got out of work, he came over and joined the party. it was nice. We hung out like old times, we laughed we took pictures and I acted like he wasn’t the same man who had broken my heart. The question now was either I wasn’t in love with him anymore or maybe I was ok hanging out with him like this because I loved him that much. I accepted him as my friend and nothing more because I realized that I loved him so much that having him in my life as a friend was better than not having him at all. Quite frankly, I missed him terribly. I missed his company, his smile, his presence his humor and most of all I missed Miguel, my best friend.

This entry was posted on December 15, 2010, in Uncategorized. 2 Comments

My turn to admit my mistake

Yes it’s true that I wasn’t happy with his excuse of being too busy to call me but I realized after a couple of days I was being seriously neurotic. I missed him like crazy but this time I also felt so foolish. What was I thinking? I had broken up with the man I loved and the one I waited so long for-over what exactly? I’ve never been the type of girl who likes to be with her boyfriend 24/7 or constantly be on the phone with him-so why was I acting like I was that kind of girl?

2 days had passed and I realized I made a huge mistake. I wanted him back. Here we go again! I called him and when he answered the first thing he said was “took you long enough.” We spoke and he decided that rather than be on the phone I should be with him, so I jumped into the shower and put on my “he can’t refuse me jeans” along w my “you sure you want to say no to me” cleavage baring shirt and put on the perfume I knew drove him wild. The moment I saw him he smiled like a little boy and he picked me up and just hugged me for what seemed like 10 minutes. It didn’t matter that we were standing in the middle of NYC and we had all these cars honking and people cursing us out to move, we were in our own world and we were together. Nothing else mattered. He said 2 days seemed like 2 weeks to him without me, and to me it felt more like 2 months. He swore to me to never go that long without “checking in” ever again. We spent the rest of the day making up all over NYC. I had never been happier. We went to eat and then hit a bar and met up with some of his friends. Then we went back to my house and continued to make up-for 2 days. For 2 days we didn’t answer our phones or leave the house. It wasn’t until my friend who had a key to my house came over and scolded me for not answering her calls that we decided to rejoin the rest of the world. But we did it together and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I have never known real love until this moment. Everyone should be as lucky as I was-to have found the man to make my heart sing was the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.

This entry was posted on September 28, 2010, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment